If I were Patience Jonathan

Our First Lady at the beginning, is it a case of packaging gone wrong? Cant help wondering when I compare the 'before' pictures with the after.Source

Try as I have, I have found it impossible to claim not to be aware of what is trending in Nigeria right now and even at the global level, no thanks to Boko Haram's abduction of 276 innocent Nigerian girls,

From right, Naijamum, T3 and Naijadad on the way to T3's school, not taking any chances.... LOL Just kidding, but seriously parents should stop at nothing to #keep our girls.  Image source: unknown, found on Facebook.  

social media like Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc and efforts of rumour peddlers and the haters(?) of our first lady, Dame Patience Jonathan. Whether we like it or not, the first lady has finally secured for herself, a well deserved notoriety as someone who is incapable of stringing together a single sentence that is not a comical ridicule of the English language and instead of any noticeable improvement, things seem to be getting worse. The issue did not however garner enough interest in me to warrant writing a post on it until I stumbled upon a post on the same subject that appears to be in support of the first lady massacring of the English language.Contrary to the opinion expressed on the blog, I disagree with the fact that our first lady does not need to polish herself , does not need to improve her proficiency in the English language which is by the way Nigeria's lingua franca.

Na only First Lady waka come? One of the before pictures, on her birthday celebrated in Australia. Source.

People seem to confuse ability to speak good English with speaking in foreign accents whether British, American, Jamaican, etc nobody expects the first lady to adopt any foreign accent or a combination of any. If we are opportune to listen to any recorded address or life address of the Queen of England, you would observe that she speaks good English devoid of any accent, that is the kind of English the likes of the late Bola Ige spoke,  it is the type that I try to speak if I am not in a rush. Is n't the first lady supposed to be a role model to the Nigerian girls? I certainly would not want my children speak like that (after getting a first degree that is, I might pardon them if they have not gotten the opportunity to get an education).

I believe in packaging, total packaging, I also belong to the school of thought that says image is everything. Yoruba it is that have the saying that whiteness of teeth is an aspect of beauty, everything adds up. The fact that Patience Jonathan is first lady to over 170 million Nigerians and that only a tiny percent of them speak good English(according to the post) is not an excuse, those who do not speak good English look up to her as first lady, they want to emulate her so I am sure they would not want  her to perpetuate what they have already, they want something better. 

The fact that she has difficulty in speaking good English also calls to question her claim that she has a first degree in Biology and Psychology and that she was the best student in Her husband's class. And not only that,that she was also a high school teacher for years. English still remains our lingua franca, and as far as we know there is no law stipulating that any local language be used as a medium of teaching in any school in Nigeria, so how did she get her degree? What language did she teach her students in? If our children should pass through the likes of Patience Jonathan as a teacher, would it not be the height of hypocrisy for us to expect them to pass O level English ? And we should not forget that a credit in English is one of the requirements for admission into institutions of higher learning in our country. Little wonder that  WAEC certification is not acceptable as entry qualification into institutions of higher learning outside Nigeria; except IGCSE, TOEFL etc. Coupled with the fact that our first degree certificate is not worth the paper on which it is written on outside the shores of our country and we all know that the world is now a global village, so we cannot live in isolation as we did under Abacha.  Right now, I am ashamed that I am a Nigerian, and I am sure the feeling is not peculiar to me. The only people that could have gotten away with the kind of English she speaks are people like my aged mother that did not see the four walls of any type of school, ( my mother would say the English she was speaking was free, After all she did not spend any money to learn it).

 Lets do a little comparison, what is the content of Michelle Obama's speeches, it certainly is not rocket science and as I always say, it takes very little to become a star in this country, look at Fashola in government, look at GT Bank in financial institutions ,look at Channels TV in News casting,  look at Saka in theatre, look at Don Jazzy in ..... what  now? Does he sing or what ?

Anyway if I were the first lady, rather than saying I want to ep  help people and summoning all Military chiefs, Police, Naval and Air force, and  WAYEK   W.A.E.C. officers and two tishas, teachers and rather than asking 'how many people waka come' I would do the following: 

1. With all the cash and paraphernalia of State backing me up, I would get a trainer and loose some  weight, not to the point of being 'lepa' if you get what I mean but to the point of  being healthy enough to be more visible through making more necessary public appearances. I will also learn how to eat healthy so that I would not singularly exhaust the Nigerians' share of miracles from God by having to make God to bring me back to life over and over again. When you look good, you feel good and is n't  it a good thing to look good for we 'your children' and  father of our Nation, your husband?

An 'after' picture, at the 'There is God o' Press Conference'Source

2. I would do everything possible to improve on my command of the English language seeing that it is our lingua franca , not pidgin English. That should  not be too difficult Afterall if somebody like Salawa Abeni, an illiterate Waka musician could do it, it means it is possible.

3. I would do my best to comport myself in public as befits my office as a first lady, so I would do my best to stop myself from swaying from side to side when talking nor holding my head in my hands at a televised press conference especially on matters that I have allowed to fester for over three weeks unattended.

4.I would do my best to help bring back my husband's credibility

'The Father of our nation', President Goodluck Jonathan Source

by performing my role as the mother of the nation through show of compassion to all Nigerians, regardless of our nationality, oops sorry about that, ain't we supposed to have the same nationality? this Patience Jonathan's English can be contagious, by sharing in their bereavement, creating a positive impact on my children's (all Nigerians)lives be they Christians or Muslims, male or female, adults or children, PDP or ACN, Hausa, Ibo, Yoruba and other ethnic groups.

5.  Or best of all, I will take a cue from my predecessor and  forever keep quite in public and work in the background in support of my husband.

So help me God.

Helping women. Really?

Who would not want to help women such as these, pregnant, nursing a baby and still having to work hard

I have not blogged in a while, I have been preoccupied with so much happening in my life, many distractions good and not so good or should I say 'disguised good' ? Anyways let's move on. I have always believed in contributing my own share to help humanity and one of the ways I've always felt I can help is to help women anyway I can, maybe because I am a woman myself, or because women are disadvantaged compared to men so they need all the help they can get, or because when the chips are down, they can't pick their shirts (or is it blouse or buba?) and move on, they are stuck with the kids come rain, come shine. And most importantly maybe because all the traditionally known vocation, skills  and means of livelihood for women are being eroded and taken over by men. For example, can you imagine a man being a professional alaga for wedding and engagement ceremonies?

Male alaga iduro? I hope men will not start strapping babies on their backs in the name of claiming equal rights with women.

rolling their eyes, their asses derrière and kneeling down for the bride's or bridegroom's family as the case maybe? Some men now sell pepper,

Selling pepper without all seriousness, na wah o.

fruits and vegetables even in nieghbourhoods, set up hair dressing salons for themselves, not their wives, I even saw one man a couple of days ago, hawking hairdressing services and loosing braids for a woman in Balogun market on Lagos Island, (signs of end times if you ask me) So whatever happened to traditional male roles like providing for the family, saw milling, bricklaying and other more 'masculine vocations'?

So if I need to make any purchase, get any services, I would rather patronize a woman even if it will waste my time, efforts or money, I get joy and fulfillment knowing that I have helped a family one way or the other.

Man in the background, crane your neck as much as you like, we won't be buying from you okay?

From experience however I have realized that women can also be as fraudulent, if not worse than men, being dubious and fraudulent has not got anything to do with your gender or even race. So where exactly am I going? If like me, you prefer to help women you can still continue but be careful, 'shine your eyes' as my people will say. 

Being a typical Nigerian, I sometimes do some shopping in the traffic, there was this particular young lady that I used to buy bread

Hawking bread on the streets of Lagos. Buying stuff in traffic, I was thought a lesson or two.

from mainly because being a woman she was not able to run as fast as her male counterparts and so would not be able to make as much sales. One day after my purchase, I gave her money but instead of giving me my change, she tried to make away with my change. I had to quickly park my car and run after her in order to collect my change back, not because the change was that much, but because I have this thing about collecting change back (read it here) and also because I was amazed at her effrontery, you see I thought we had built a relationship and that I was her good customer.

On another occasion, this time there was no trading transaction. It was pure help. I met a Nigerian lady at one of the airports in Europe, she was with a little child. She was pleading with the airline staff and crying like a baby because she had missed her flight, imagine sweating profusely during winter with serious body odour. I came to her rescue if only to stop the odour  from oozing out of her  body stop the child from crying because she had started to join her mother. I bought another ticket for her with the understanding that she would pay back when she got to her destination.she even offered to drop her phone or her child's buggy  as collateral but I declined. Ten years later she is yet to pay back and she stopped picking my calls.

Mumu Naijamum, giving a loan to a stranger without collecting a collateral

On my trip to China, now this particular one convinced me that it has not got anything to do with your race. I visited one of the open markets in the company of a Chinese friend of mine. I bought a calculator from one of the market women, after so much translation and hand gesticulations, I paid and we left but I forgot the calculator behind. About some 30 minutes later I remembered and we quickly made a u-turn. The look on her face said it all, she knew we left it behind but she deliberately did not alert us or call us back. Thank God that she did not insist that she had given it to us or I would have had to purchase another one.

Even the 'keke Marwas' and 'okadas that I took were driven by women from Naija to China. 

A friend of mine went through this horrendous  experience, like me she liked helping her womenfolk anyway she could, she used the services of a female alabaru

Beware of female alabarus, they can steal  carry anything.

to help her carry the ceiling fans that she purchased with her six months savings,while they were both trying to cross the road, the alabaru was a bit slower becuase of her age, so my friend crossed ahead of the alabaru. We are still searching for the alabaru till date! she must have used 'egbe' or 'àféèrí' or both, because she literally just disappeared into thin air.

Friends have also shared what they went through after giving women rides especially if they are with little children or are carrying a baby, when such women get to their destination and alight, they take their helpers' personal belongings with them.

The incidence that triggered this post took place just yesterday, 1st of May 2014. My children and I went for a wedding. It was an outdoor thing and a bit rowdy

An outdoor party and very rowdy. T3 looking at her plate of rice and T2 looking so miserable I had to beg her to smile a little.

there were many photographers struggling to make money from a few snapshots( we all know that camera phones and tablets have 'spoilt market' for them). I beckoned on a middle aged female photographer, gave her sone money and bought some photos of the bride and groom off her and also told her to snap us some shots. The bride and groom

where making their grand entrance so I told her to please snap us some with the couple.

See what she snapped, mschew,T3 my nine year old would have done a better job, the 'smart' photograher was busy mentally planning an escape route.

Bridal train without faces, courtesy of the 'smart' woman photographer

I noticed that she was reversing with an unnecessarily so much speed while still looking at us and snapping, ( or as we later found out, pretending to snap) by the time I finished exchanging pleasantries with the couple she had almost disappeared with my phone. I had to apply my Naija sense and whiz in and out of the typical Naija wedding crowd, dodging steaming hot plates of jollof rice, fried rice and what have you, encumbered with my sunglasses,

Sunglasses and everything, how did I catch up with her in this ensemble? She did not know I was a Lagos girl before I became Naijamum. 

gele, iro and delicate jewelry and the muddy floor ( thank God for small mercies, the iro was tied at the back but if it were n't I would have abandoned it or held it in my hands). Struggling  with my high heels. I finally caught up with her, panting and out of breath. The look on her face when I caught up? defiant guilt, maybe she thought I was going to make a scene. Scene ko, scene ni, I was so relieved to get my phone back that I left the change for her. And quickly made my way to where my children were before some other disguised hoodlums will remove their hats,

Remoove their hats and even the delicate doughnut atop T2's head? No way, I had to quickly sprint back

collect their tablets and phones on the pretext that they were trying to help them snap pictures( T1, always afraid of germs would not even let a stranger touch any of her stuff).

T1, would not have handed over her phone to anybody any stranger

Thank God, they were safe when I got back.

Do you think this experience will stop me from practising compassion in the future? No, certainly not,  I will just be more careful by for example; collecting my change upfront before making any payment; or collecting anything of value as collateral if I need to give an  impromptu loan and shining my eyes more and applying  more caution. What about you, what will you do?

Ways African Parents say 'I love you'

Ways African parents say 'I love you'.

'I love you' oyinbo style.

Oyinbo people especially at this modern times punctuate every of their sentence with 'I love you' it has now become a way of life for them that their children need this reassurance all the time to the extent that if they do not say it, their love and care for their children will be become doubtful and very questionable and this can lead to very disastrous consequences.

I look at us in Africa, Nigeria to be precise and 'pity us',  kissing, hugging and other physical show of affection is not in our culture,

Hugging, physical show of affection, very rare in traditional African homes. source

even Indians that do not kiss rub their noses together but in Africa, what do we do to express our affection and love for our loved ones? This seemingly lack of show of affection has been extended to relationship between parents and  children.

Well it is true that our 'I love you' are few and far between but does that mean we do not love our children? No. Does that mean we do not express this love we have for them? No. From my personal experience I will be sharing how Nigerian parents say 'I love you'

1. One of the first instructions drummed into our ears as we grow up is never to accept food or anything for that matter from strangers and even neighbours so our parents are indirectly saying 'I love you, be careful, I do not want any harm to befall you'

2. We should look left, right and left again before crossing the road. This is the first phase of our orientation into the  'school of hard knocks'. And there is no better school for training the child to be independent and self reliant than this school. We modern parents have failed a little in enrolling our children in this school, For example,  my children have never walked to our Estate gate before, a walk of about 10 minutes,  we drive them up and down but I am still a bit better than some, a friend of mine does not allow his ten year old son hold his ice cream by himself, a house help does the holding while the son does the sucking, her reason? It is too cold, is ice cream not supposed to be cold? 

3. Mothers breastfeed their babies without caring whether the breasts go flat or not and you think they do not love you? Haba. When I was still having babies, in the hospital, I would see Oyinbo women quickly wrap and pack their breasts into firm girdle bras and start giving their babies bottle right from day 1,with the exception of a few of course.

4. Discipline, almighty discipline, even God Almighty agreed with African parents and gave them a verse to back it up in the Bible; Proverbs 13. 24 ' he that spareth his rod hateth his son ; but he that Lovett him chasteneth him betimes ( King James Version)

Almighty discipline.

. Discipline of  a child takes time, effort persistence and most important love. Let me share a real life experience, when I was in year 3 or so in secondary school, I went out during  the Christmas period with some friends, those were the days when street lights worked on the streets of Lagos, fireworks, what we call banger was very cheap, we had harmless fun and before I knew it, I could not get transport back home, there was no telephone service then, something terrible happened; for the first and also the last time in my life, I passed the night outside my house, I did not get home until the following morning. When I got home, I saw relief on my parents faces followed by confusion and then a firm resolve, I greeted them, they responded, asked if everything was okay I said yes. I was giving breakfast, lunch and dinner just as normal. But I knew that calm, and I knew it was an uneasy calm. So at last I was relieved when it happened, in the middle of the night, I was flogged on the soles of my feet till I became too weak to struggle and cry for mercy. The lesson was learnt and there was no scare on any part of my body, you see in  meting out the punishment they were being careful, although I could not walk for about two weeks because of the thrashing of my soles. Fine I might not have agreed at the time,  I now know they love me and I will love my children just as much if not more. Fast forward 4 decades later, another real life story, this time a niece of mine based in the UK and her 13 year old daughter about the same age as I was then, came back home in the wee hours of the morning, as we learnt she usually did (offence count 1),went straight for the music player , put it on,(offence count 2) and raised the volume to the highest,(offence count 3) my niece trying to read for her 'igbayilaro' nursing exams told her to switch it off, she refused,(offence count 4) my niece got up to switch it of herself, her daughter gave her a hot slap,(offence count 5 and the mother of all offences) what would we have her do? She proceeded to beat some sense into her, her two younger brothers promptly called the police, she was arrested and put behind bars overnight, it was this same daughter that came to bail her in the morning, now you compare the two scenarios, meanwhile ,my niece's 'I love you' to her children does not have Part 2 as we say it in Naija home video parlance, all the actions are in Part 1.

5. African parents say 'I love you' by sharing real life experiences, warning on outcomes of any action or inaction. When I was growing up I had the habit of forgetting to close my mouth, you know like some other children too, my mum had reminded me to, times without number, there were no dental braces in Nigeria then to help control your teeth if they should protrude out of your mouth. What do you think my mum did? There was this woman that had a stall in a market not too far away from our house, my mum took me one day to that market, we bought stuff from her, I could not stop looking at her because of her protruding teeth,  

This reminds me of the woman, only that her teeth was worse, my people call this 'eyin iku' source

you know that kind of mouth that try what you will, it will not close, and you could not leave it open either. On our way back, my mum asked me if I still wanted to be leaving my mouth open, then I got the message, since that day I made extra effort to remember to close my mouth at all times. And the result, a beautiful Naijamum with the perfect set of teeth wink**

Naijamum's teeth result of practical show of love by her mother.

My dad on his on part was an 'ogbologbo' expert at such lessons, if we see any truck pusher or menial jobber,  he would not fail to let you know that it is the lazy person  that ends up with the most difficult and low paying job. In his words. 'ole ló ma nsise to le ju'

Result of dodging work? Most likely. Taken with my Ipad.

whilst dodging work, you will end up with the most difficult work so by extension if you don't get an education, you would become a labourer. 

6. Most Nigerian parents would spend their life savings on their child, we do not get any help from government, no child benefit, no child care cost, no grants, no carer's allowance, no single parent allowance, no home fees lower than international fees at the university level, well no nothing, they single handed bring up their children themselves. After school, they continue to prop up their children and some children still doubt their love? My own mum gave me the title deed to one of her property to get a loan in the bank when I started business, of course she was cautioned by people who meant well, she said she trusted me and had faith in my capacity( maybe because I had graduated from the school of hard knocks with flying colours) and also because of this love she has for me. And thank God, I have not disappointed her yet.

6. Nigerian parents say I love you by helping you, with God's backing of course in your quest of a life mate, husband or wife,

Help just like Abraham did in the Bible in getting a life mate. Source

though at the end of the day God knows best but you would not be left to your own devices.

7. Show of Affection is also seen in their help with their child's choice of career, vocation and all forms of means of livelihood. When I completed my National Youth Service in 1988, I came into contact with one of my cousin's husband who was in the Navy, he asked if I would like to join the Police Force and I thought, well why not? He gave me a letter to give somebody in the Police. My Dad was against it and put his foot down so I had to abandon the plan and look elsewhere.

Looking back, these are steps I would take myself if faced with similar circumstances, for instance, one of the reasons we relocated to Nigeria was to ensure our children were well grounded before getting into college/ university so that they would not begin to see any little disciplinary measure on our part as 'child abuse' as defined by the obodo oyinbo government. 

Enough said. How do you say 'I love you?'

My children's big mummy.

My children's big mummy.

If you ever lived in a Nigerian household you would know  that you do not call your mother's or Father's older sister aunt, you call them big mummy, during our own time we called them 'Maami'. I had four maamis although three of them lived in Lagos so I was more familiar with those three more than the fourth one. My siblings and I were called 'aniyameta' literal meaning, 'someone' that has three mothers. These three mummies all had different roles they played in my life during my childhood and at a particular time I was so confused about who exactly was my biological mother that I had to trace her through my dad, so it was which one of them that was close to my dad that was my mum.

My children's big mummy is my immediate elder sister, she is a prettier version of me

That is me, holding the plate, you be the judge, who is prettier?. Picture taken four Christmases ago on T1's 10th birthday.

and I honestly do not mind( there was this song we had for her, omo dara latese  o dori)

Omo dara latese o dori..., Me helping her adjust her 'gele' in her garden , getting ready for a party in London, summer of 2013.

meaning a child that is beautiful from her feet to her head, she is arguably also more 'well behaved' ( she never gave the onidiri trouble like I did while we were growing up) wink* wink*. People, even our own children and our aged mum have sometimes mistaken our voices for each other but beyond that there is little or no resemblance in our mannerisms,  our way of handling stuff, our disposition etc. We are like chalk and cheese when it comes to the way we handle children, I am the no-nonsense type

The no-nonsense type caught on 'hidden camera' by paparazzi photographer T2, 2012 on T3's 6th birthday in her school.  

and according to her I expect too much from them. She is the softly-softly-catch-the-monkey' type

The softly-softly-catch-monkey type, most likely wondering why I appeared so stressed at the same event.

if you get what I mean. And according to them she is their best favourite person.

She is one of the few that I can trust my children with if anything should happen to me like going to the great beyond for example. I know she would take care of them just like her own. She pampers them a lot no doubt but she would not spoil them, she would not wield the stick like I would but she is good at lecturing and explaining to them what they did wrong, what they ought not to do, what they ought to do etc. 

 She is naked but not ashamed with them, even me their mother if I were dressing up or something, I would grab a towel to shield my body a little if any of my children should walk in  but she would not and that is saying a lot if you know what I mean. 

She is responsible for their first bras and all their underwear in fact she would usually start buying the bras before the the breasts start budding, she is responsible for all their  roll on and all hygiene stuff, despite the fact that she lives outside the country, she knows when they will run out of them and when to restock. It started before I started having children, when I was in the ministry of waiting, we waited together, she was more concerned than I was and would usually prod me, advise, cajole me almost to exasperation. When her first niece arrived,

Her first niece held by Grandma on the very first day of arrival, Christmas day year 2000.

she did all the baby shopping, I did not spend a kobo and since then, she has not missed any of their birthdays, she would call if she is out of the country and would usually be the first caller, she would pray and send them loads of presents, despite the fact that I often forget her own birthday.
 She taught them hygiene,  how to clean  their private from front to back as a girl should, to soak their undies and wash separately every morning before having their bath rather than piling them up along with all the other clothes to load in the washing machine,and to always remember to wear roll on. She is a prayer warrior and she prays for them even more than I do.

Summer is her favourite time of the year because of them. We would usually end up spending most of our summer vacation with her, she would also take a long break from work. They would play ten-ten, tinko-tinko, suuwe, Mr aeroplane and all the other silly games, I would take a well deserved break and sleep for about two weeks without lifting a finger except to stuff food and drink in my mouth. They would cook together, eat together, go shopping together, do all sorts together and leave me be. After my two weeks me-time. We would start the vacation proper by visiting one holiday resort or the other and all other places of interests. Her visit to Nigeria is usually for Christmas, she shares the time she spends with us equally between them in each of  their rooms each so that she would not be accused of being partial. 

On this particular summer vacation, we visited a holiday resort and it would be our first time on a roller coaster,

Our first roller coaster rides

the ride affected us differently, the children? They kept on going back for more, we had difficulty in dragging them back to the hotel even after night fall.

Me in black with the 'slim backside' dragging T3, big mummy on the lft in denim skirt trying to catch up with the rest of them.

Me?  I developed acute morning sickness symptoms, I feared that I might be pregnant despite all the precautions so after day one,  I just lay down in bed for the remaining two days. For their big mummy, her bladder ran out of control, she had to wee like every five minutes

Big mummy running to a loo, on the right T2, on the left, Me and behind the camera is T1

and naughty children could not stop laughing at her and asking her to try more rides, she in spite of herself still followed them and went for only the very slow rides with T3 who was about six years old then and so not tall enough to go on most of the rides. 

On our visit to the Zoo,

Zoo visit, 2008 version.

I

Zoo visit, 2008 version.

T3 then 3 years old was scared of all the animals, so was crying non stop and  refused to stay in her stroller so big mummy had to strap her on her back for up to three hours till she fell asleep and we gently transferred her to the stroller.

After she fell asleep, we played a fast one on her and put her by this purple cow, not a life one of course to have a laugh and show her when she wakes up.

It is only through her that my children would cross the boundary I set for them and I would not be able to take any action, take shopping for example, shopping is easier, faster and less expensive when big mummy is not there so they would usually beg me to let's wait for big mummy before we can shop. With her in tow, they would load the trolley with lots of panti, crisps,

'Remove the 'panti' if you dare' look.

jelly sweets and all sorts of 'jedijedi' and they would be staring at me with that 'remove it if you can look'. Of course they know I can't because of big mummy's presence.

Her husband is my children's big daddy. I remember when one of my brothers came visiting and introduced himself as their big daddy, T3 corrected him vehemently that he was not their big daddy that big mummy's daddy was their big daddy, she meant to say husband but at that age, to her the daddy of the house was everybody's daddy, she did not yet understand the 'husband' aspect of things. In between both of them, I don't know who pampers them more, big daddy's specialty is procurement of 'jedijedi', cooking delicacies and serving up to three large pieces of meat per meal, he would also want to help them do the dishes, but trust me on that one, that would be 'over my dead body' as the saying goes.

Altogether, we are blessed round about, my children and I, for this wonderful couple that are our big mummy and big daddy and we can only advise those that do not have a big mummy and a big daddy to go and adopt. Chikena. 

What about you, have you got or are you planning on adopting?