Of robust replies and open letters

Parenting? It is not easy especially at these modern times. We have to strike a balance between contradiction, which is the fundamental truth of parenting, we want our children to trust and yet to question. If they trust too much, we become worried and wonder how they will cope in this world of deceit and if they question too much nko? Another wahala, we will become exasperated and wonder the kind of child they are. On my parenting journey, I  find myself in situations where robust replies are required, apologies to Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo ever, unlike Fatoyinbo, I cannot live my constituents hanging, I cannot afford that luxury so I would usually do my best to supply the answer that I think fit, in line with the situation at hand. Lets listen to one of such conversations;

My eight year old, (we will call her T3): Mum?

Me: Yes? ( absentmindedly) 

T3: I thought you said Mr Razak just had a baby?

Pregnant man?

Me: Yes, and so la la what? (becoming curious, thinking Ki ló tun de o? Can't the electrician have a baby any more)

T3: ( getting bolder) I did not see him when he was pregnant.

See me see trouble, everybody burst into laughter. Insanity is indeed hereditary, I mean, you get it from  your children. I had to quickly come up with a robust reply ; 

Me: It was Mr Razak's wife that had the baby not Mr Razak

T3: Then how come the baby now belongs to Mr Razak?

Me: ( Trying to keep a straight face) When a man and a woman are married, it is the woman that will have the baby for the man, and the baby will be for the two of them

T3: (Still confused) Why mummy?

Me: Because that is how God made it.

T3: So Daddy has never been pregnant?

Me: Nope.(heaving a sign of relief thinking the coast was finally clear )

T3: You are the one that has been giving babies to Daddy?

Me: Yes.

T3: So if it is a woman that gives babies, can she give the babies to whoever she wants, like if she does n't want to give their daddy anymore, can she give them to somebody else?             

Me: Nope, she can't 

Eight: But why? 

I know how her mind works, so I know she must have started having ideas about the possibility of changing Daddies if  situation demand such..

So parents, especially fathers, to rule out the possibility of receiving an "open letter" from your children like the one Obasanjo just received from Iyabo, it is up to you. If you know how to shoot without missing which has resulted in that child, you should have all or some of what  it takes to be a good parent, if not a great one.

Iyabo's letter to her father has shown us that a father occupying the most envied position in the country, ie the position of number one citizen of the country is not enough, a child riding effortlessly to the National Assembly  as a member because of who their father is, is not enough either. Yorubas it is that say, the fowl has perched on the rope, the fowl is not comfortable but neither is the rope, Iyabo

Iyabo and her Father.

might be a cursed child, but has it made Obasanjo happier? So when we are done with abusing and reigning curses on Iyabo and using big grammar to describe her action, and letting us know how she has gone against God' s spelt out instruction( the only one with a promise) ; honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long on the surface of the earth Exodus 20:12, we should pick out lessons from the saga and apply them to our own situation and circumstances, no matter how good our relationship with our children might be there will always be room for improvement. The brouhaha that has resulted from Iyabo's letter  made me  realize that there are more parents that deserve such letters but are lucky because their children have refrained from giving them because  of the honour your father and your mother instruction.The time to start making amends however is now. Nobody is indispensable but we can make ourselves valuable.

Consumerism...."panti" and "ripoff"

More and more, kids are being bombarded with messages to consume, millions of money is spent to get children to nag their parents to buy more stuff. Children's programs are filled with adverts to the extent that more time is spent on adverts than on the program being shown. No aspect of family life is left unaffected, there are gadgets to help in virtually all aspects of family life and activities, and these gadgets also claim to save time in the process. The gap between what we need and what we want is ever widening, we don't seem to ever be able to catch up.

As with other things in Nigeria, consumerism is in mega proportions, and events such as children birthday parties have been abused and twisted out of forms. A well known school has had to limit children's birthday celebrations to sharing just the birthday cake and reading a book together and in some schools outright ban has been placed on children's birthday celebrations in the school premises, after some parents  of primary school students developed the habit of organising birthday lunch to be served by a well known and very expensive Chinese restaurant right in the school premises just to mark their child's birthday. What in modern times  is termed "goody bag" or "party pack"

goody bag/party pack

has become a  "weapon of mass destruction" that is used to destroy our children's innocence and happy childhood. Birthday anniversaries that should be looked forward to, have become a source of anguish,  fear and depression, for parents and children alike, the competition has  become very fierce and ridiculous at the same time. It is only in Nigeria that a one year old's birthday anniversary will have up to 500 guests in attendance.

Children's birthday party.

Under aged children are dressed in adult clothing,wear adult hairstyles and are armed with the latest and most sophisticated communication gadgets like mobile phones, tablets etc.There are  gadgets that are supposed to help children study, help them memorise, apps to keep them company for example,'talking Tom' and 'talking Angela', ( by the way talking Angela almost replaced me in my daughters life within a period of just a week when she was on midterm break, now you understand why I am very jealous and wary of it).

Talking Angela

There are game consoles that not only lead to addiction but also erode the child's interpersonal skills like having normal conversation with people in real life.

You are a parent and find yourself trying to bring up a good child under these circumstances, no doubt you will be met with serious resistance by your child and society. What can you do?

1. Set a  good example. Start with yourself. Be sure that you can afford and sustain your life style. If you love to keep up with your neighbours, always chasing after the latest craze  the latest fashion or fads, whether you  can afford it or not, then you need to have your head self examined.

2. Do a self evaluation. Go home, take a second look and evaluate what you have, in a gentle manner carry your child along. Do you really need replacements for those things you already have?

3. Before you buy anything, make a window shopping trip, think thrice , go home think again, then have a second trip, if you are convinced you still need it, then and only then should you go ahead.

4. Consider cheaper alternatives, if you really must buy and it will serve the same purpose, please go for that.

5. This point is based on the premise that you are friends with your child, over time, jokingly but lovingly help her to deflate her "cravings"  for stuffs. The  term that we use in my family is "PANTI" panti means rubbish or something that is not only useless but will end up taking up much needed space. My children have been trained to admire the coolest of gadgets and walk away without any longing because they are sure it is "Panti" . Before, they used to say "mummy will say it is panti, but now they themselves can identify panti without any outside help, and are so sure and convinced within themselves to the extent that they will say it is "Panti", without prefixing it with "mummy will say".

6. You can also have a "heart to heart" talk with your child,  any time a particular item wants to come in between you and her. Ask her if she honestly thinks your family can not afford whatever is the bone of contention at that particular time, the answer will most likely be in the affirmative (i e we can afford it) follow the first question with the second, that why does she think we will not be buying, it will now dawn on her that it is a "rip off", (this is another term of ours), this means although, it might have some value, it is unnecessarily too expensive.  A good example is the foreign trips schools organise in Nigeria ; these trips cost an arm and a leg. The cost that is usually charged for a child is equivalent to the cost for a family of four on the same type of trip. My children understand that such trips are ripoffs so they do not  hunger for them. 

7. Finally think along the long term line, will this particular purchase make any noticeable difference in your life in the long term?

Now to my question; How are you coping with consumerism?

My Dad, a father of many nations

23rd November 2013 was the day we had the final burial ceremony in honour of my father. He departed this world in June 2003. I was out of the country then, he was buried immediately. But since then we had always had an annual memorial prayer and get together in his honour. The 23rd November event was the grand finale. At the venue of the party,  I looked around me and went down memory lane. I could not help missing him.

My dad, he was different things to different people. To my mum, he was a brother, (she even used to call him 'broda' before they started having children, she could not call him by name) he was a mentor, a dependable ally in business and out of it. He brought her to Lagos although there is this joke that my mum had gone home and come back all by herself, so he was not the one who brought her. He was proud of her and not envious or intimitdated by her business prowess. He was her soulmate despite all the other wives. He was the love of her life.

My mum and dad in Mecca, 1975

I remember that one day when I was very angry at my dad, I asked mum why she married him, was it because there were no other suitors or what? My dad instead of getting angry, burst into laughter and recounted how he beat all other contenders for my mum's hand in marriage including the richest man in our community then, who already had a fleet of cars at that ime, how he won my mum's heart with a bike, and how a song was waxed by the current and most popular musician in their community then to sing his praise for that feat, they both got up and sang the song, dancing, my mum, shyly and blushing, as if she was an innocent bride( she was in her 60s then) and my dad with his eyes gleaming with pride.

Dad and Mum at Mum's house warming ceremony in 1983

He was a very stern and loving man at the same time, he was a disciplinarian but he would still feed us (about four of us aged between 4and 8)from his dish of delicacies (orisirisi) as we surround his table at meal times despite the fact that we had had our individual meals. He had a habit of always going about with brand new coins in his pocket which he would give children including us. He was my mentor, I copied him, watched what he did or rather how he did what he did and got results and put it in practice and got result too. He was fearless, he was a go-getter, he never gave up on any of his goals, he would not accept no for an answer and he did not believe there was anything that was impossible. He was an hardworking and shrewd business man. He was one of the best networkers of his time, he had his own 'oyinbos' expatriates from companies like CFAO, Mandillas, John Holt etc. They would do business together during the day and party together in the evening.

He was a good and generous son to his parents, his parents gave him the nickname,'Okan soso  kiri to  san  ju Igba omo ló' meaning a good son that is worth more  than 200 children pulled together., it was not just a pet name, he earned it. He was a loving and accommodating brother to his siblings both full and half. One of the first businesses he registered was registered in 'his name and Bros' not '...and Co' nor ....'and Sons' unlike the trend then. With all the people he met on his journey through life, it was 'live and let live' he believed that the sky was wide enough for all birds to fly without disturbing one another.

He was an extrovert, very outgoing, eager to meet new people and to make friends. There was no dull moment with him. He was a lover of sports especially wrestling and boxing. He was suspended from watching football by his doctor at one particular time because of his high blood pressure condition, because whatever he did, he did with all his might, he would play football right there in his living room whilst watching it. His handshake was very gripping, you had to be sure of yourself before shaking hands with him.

He was our father, 18 surviving children out of 22, he loved all of us together and individually for all the different traits that we have, the resemblance among us is striking even across different mothers, you would find a daughter looking more like her half sister more than her full sister. Outsiders could not really tell who our mothers were, they used to just call us by our surname. An old friend of my dad came visiting one day and met me, he asked my dad, sé omo pupa yen ló bi eleyi fun e? Meaning was it that fair girl that had this child for you? It was funny, because my mum was in her 70s then and I was in my late 20s and she was still being referred to as 'omo pupa'.

He was handsome, dashing, fashionable and clean, he had another nickname 'all white' because he made popular the wearing of native white lace attire. He was a fashion pace setter then and would also wear other nice colours and was one of the first to pioneer the wearing of 'to match' that we call monochrome nowadays.

Growing up especially after my first degree was very stormy because we had divergent opinions about the kind of friends I should keep and the kind of man I should bring home as husband material. At one point I stopped talking to him except the compulsory greetings like 'e e kaaro sir, e e kule sir, e e Kabo sir' etc. And  I missed him, I missed the jokes, the gist, on his own part he could not bear it, he would come into my room and say ' e e so' meaning hello, how are you? how are you doing in Ijebu and I would be happy and we would resume talking until another wahala cropped up.

He was a prayer warrior, he would pray from night till daybreak and continue even farther if need be especially on issues that had to do with his children. He started laying hands before Pentecostal pastors learnt the act.if I had some pains, he would pray and lay his hands on that spot and keep vigil with me till the pain would subside or till I slept off.

He was a polygamist but would not want any of his children to go that way. I remember that there was a guy pestering me and was already worming his way into my Father's heart, I just told my dad that he was married (although he was not) and my dad got very angry and asked him if he wanted to make me ' a spare tyre' or what? He did not believe in 'do or  die' marriage especially when it involved violence and always made us know we were welcome home if situation demanded it. He was therefore not one to loose a child to domestic violence except if he was kept in the dark about it.

He was a morally upright man and so not the type to go behind anybody's back to have a child outside wedlock or in secret, so since he died, we have not experienced any nasty surprise. He was not the type that would date female employees or female tenants,impregnate his wives' relatives, or fondle his wives' house helps ( this was a common occurrence in his time, house helps we're being upgraded into wives on a per dozen basis). Neither would he date his friends daughter, his daughters' friends etc. There were real life situations that happened and he did not disappoint me. 

We had a good rapport that defied the generation gap between us. I remember one time when one of our  neighbours who must have been in his late 70s then felt he was in love with me and proceeded to put it in writing to prove it, when I showed my Dad the letters he was very livid and said he was going to warn him. I told him not to, that there were other more humiliating ways to make him stop, so we then hatched our plans. Usually we would seat on our balcony in the evening and the neighbours would sit on theirs just across fom us. As soon as they are seated, I would bring out one of the letters and start reading it out loud, the neighbour would jump up and run indoors to the surprise of his wife and children, my dad and I would laugh till tears streamed down our faces. We succeeded in keeping him indoors for over a month till something else happened that we could joke about.

My dad, was not a burden, both financially and emotionally. Even at old age, when his outing was drastically reduced to about once a week, he still had a live-in driver. He also had a houseboy and so was not at the mercy of any of his wives( my mum not included because she had since withdrawn form domestic duties with the advent of the younger wives). He spent his money on good medical care, good diet and on his  general well being.

He set a standard that was almost impossible to beat for any suitor( until my husband came into my life or was I the one that came into his life?, by the way my husband is the new 'okan soso kiri' after my dad although he does not know it yet), and he would usually advise me to lower my expectations a little bit. He took my husband as his son, taught him how to shave with only water and razor and not grow bumps. For both of them, it was love at first sight. They both got on like a house on fire.

He was a lover of music and would spend any amount on a gramophone. His taste also shaped my preference in music.Popular musicians of his time like Haruna Ishola, Yusuf Olatunji, Lefty Salami, King Sunny Ade, Ebenezer Obey were all his favourites and I could sing all their songs back to back. My Dad, he was a great event planner, the perfect host at parties, he would not spare any expenses when having a party. When we had the burial party for his parents, it was Haruna Ishola that performed. So I know that he would not expect any less from us his children for his own burial party.

I looked around me and felt proud of myself, the opulence and splendor of the venue

, the array and variety of food on the menu, the buttomless supply of choice drinks, the calibre and the turn out of gorgeously dressed guests, the colorful Aso ebi, the performance of the musician all combined made the party a huge success to be talked about for a long time to come.

As we wound up the party,  I could not help musing and chuckling; from my father's  loins have emanated Nigerian citizens, British, Irish, German, American, Benin Republic, Cote D'ivoire. He was indeed a father of many nations.

Would you spy on your child?

I read somewhere on the Internet, read story here that the US busybody government had bugged the German Chancellor's mobile phone for over ten years without being detected. As usual, this set me off, I marveled at how easy it was for them to have been able to do that and get away with it for that long without being detected, who did they think they were to have done it and also wondered if as a parent I would and if I should, spy on my child or better still if my concern over my children and watching over them could be regarded as spying or just carrying out my God given responsibility towards them. 

Growing up in the early 70s in Nigeria,  life was far less complicated than what obtains now. The use of Internet in homes was almost non existent. Communication was physical and face to face or via letter writing (what we had then was "pen pals" )and not via some sophisticated gadgets like telephone or through social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tagged, Pinterest, Yahoomail, Gmail, Hotmail etc.

Never the less, some parents including mine, would still spy on their children despite the fact that there was almost "nothing" to spy on. Apart from the fact that there was no privacy for children at that time as we have it now, the  tools of communication we had then was diary keeping for our own use, letter writing, local and international (remember airmail, per avion ?) and some of us had telephone or rather our parents had telephone, land  line powered by almighty NITEL. 

If we got a letter, usually our parents would get the first access to them and we would be called to come and read it to them and even sometimes to the whole family. This makes me remember my very first love letter that I got at the age of 11 or thereabouts, after it had been "intercepted" and digested by my parents, I was told to read it which I did, red faced from embarrassment, I had to do a lot of convincing to the effect that the letter was unsolicited and that I did not see it coming. We also later found out that it was from one of my male cousins. Apparently there had been a bet among all the male cousins that they would see who I would "fall for" first among about five of them. Anyway, I was finally vindicated.

Our telephone had an extension in my Dad's room and the main line was in the living room. Anytime any of us children had a call, we had to pick it in the living room and we would usually reply in monosyllables like "yes", "no", chuckle or giggle and "bye-bye". We were allowed to pick calls depending on Dad's mood. If he was in a good enough mood you were lucky because you would be able to pick your call, if he was in one of those moods or you where not in his good books at that particular time ( which was very often),  he would either slam the phone after putting the caller through a serious interview session  or he would tell the caller never to call that line ever again and slam the phone that is, even if the caller himself had not dropped the phone in fright after hearing my Dad's voice.Now if he was in a benevolent mood, or if you had been making some suspicious moves and he felt he had enough grounds to suspect that you were up to something untoward at that particular moment he would pretend to be in a good mood and allow you pick the call in the living room and go to his room on the pretext of getting some stuff or the other, then he would pick the extension. If this happens, what would I do? I would simply tell the caller that there was something wrong with the connection and that I was going to check if the extension was properly placed, at which he would quickly drop it and come out, this could happen up to two or three times during one telephone conversation. In Dad's bid to perfect his surveillance act, he bought a padlock which he would use to lock the phone

so that no calls were made while he was out so as not to miss any action but he could not stop us from receiving calls while he was out. We children, also perfected the skill of "tapping" and although tedious and time consuming, we would tap all the numbers that made up the telephone number one by one till the last number and the call would scale through at last and we would talk as much as we wanted. After some time however Dad started locking the phone, padlock and all in his room before going out. And there was nothing we could do except force the door open and nobody, not even the bravest amongst us could dare that or maybe we thought a telephone call was not worth the wahala that would ensue.

Back to the subject under discussion, would you spy on your child? My thirteen and eleven year old have laptops because they are in secondary school, they use the Internet on almost a daily basis for their school assignments, the thirteen year old has an iPad and a phone as well. The phone is however used the way a " social drinker" takes alcohol, occasionally, during mid term breaks and longer holidays to keep in touch with her friends from School or anytime we have a separate outing. The novice that I am, I do not know how I did I'd but I was able to synch her iPad to mine so that whatever she writes on her ipad, I get a copy on my own iPad. I also set up their email accounts on my own iPad, have them put in their passwords and so get a copy of each new mail they get. 

 I am sure you are wondering if they don't resent this, so far no, and this is because I did not go behind their back to do it, I carried them along by informing them and and letting them know it was for their own good and I also worked at the impression that we both did it "together". I also let them know that they can read my emails as well if they so wish (as if they would want to read my boring emails), and they have my iPad password. In continuation of my parenting duty and responsibility I passworded safari browser on my 13 year old's iPad and downloaded a safer browser from the  Apps store. The 11 year old's  laptop was also made safer by downloading google "safe search kids" browser for her use instead of the regular browsers. From time to time I also go through their browsing history, if your child's browsing history is erased, it is a danger signal and enough reason for further actions from you.

You might want to share, do you "spy"? if so how have you been able to "spy" without "spying" or without getting caught?

In the next post, we will examine ways we can "spy" on our children without "spying"

image 1 source:http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-24690055

image 2 source:http://www.etsy.com/listing/110625066/vintage-1960s-gray-rotary-phone-with

Facial expression as a type of parenting skill.

There is a general agreement among sociologists and psychologists that the face, voice, body posture and hand gestures, forecast to outside observers what people will do next. By extension children or rather "well brought up" children are expected to be able to read every of their parents' facial expression, voice tone, body posture and hand gesture and use such as a guide as to what is expected of them in any given situation.  When we were growing up, most of the communication between us and our parents were non- verbal and woe betide you if you were not able to decipher / decode any of such messages because you would pay dearly for it. In fact our parents did little or no talking to us, except when we are being reprimanded for one wrong doing or the other, all the talking they did was to adults like themselves.

The human face serves many functions, it makes ones behaviour more predictable and understandable to others and thus improves communication, it can be used to supplement verbal communication, it can also communicate information on its own without the use of verbal communication, that is replace verbal communication. Psychologists have classified six facial expressions which correspond to ; happiness, sadness, surprise, fear, disgust and anger. All these are however not the expressions we have in mind when talking about facial expression's use as a parenting skill. 

People of South West Nigeria, especially the Yoruba people have all types of facial expressions or/ and hand gestures and body postures to fit every single situation or incidence. Lets now proceed to examine some of them and their interpretation

1. Rolling of eyes/ eyeing; used to express disgust, annoyance,and  exasperation.

2. Shrugging of shoulders; means "I don't care" or "I don't know or I am not interested"

3. Clapping of hands three times and simultaneously placing each hand over the other starting with the right followed by the left. " Wonders shall never end " or " see me, see trouble" or is simply used to express amazement.

4. Loud clearing of throat; this is used to shut somebody up without making it so obvious and can also be used to express disbelief at someone.

5. Pointing with your nose and raising your upper lip to touch your nose at the same time, known in Yoruba language as "yinmu", is used to express disbelief, disgust or simply to say; " I give up", reminds me of the way majority of  Nigerians feel about government projects and policies, "yinmu" is a very apt expression.

"Yinmu".... T2 indeed an "omo oju"

6. Keeping very quite all of a sudden and refusing to respond in any way whatsoever and keeping a blank face; used to signify end of a conversation or that a particular topic is a no-go area.

7. Wagging of the right fore finger in a person's face;  Indicates warning and the wagging will be as severe as the warning is meant to be.

8. Shaking of the head from left to right or vice versa, note that this is different from nodding(nodding is an up and down movement) signifies the hopelessness of a case. It could also mean an emphatic no.

9. Laughing loudly all of a sudden and also declaring that you are indeed laughing as a response to a particular situation, question, news or information( remember Obasanjo " I they laugh o", the reply that he gave when he was told that Atiku would be succeeding him as President of Nigeria) this "mouth gesture" is used to express derision or the ridiculousness of a situation or of some particular news.

Obasanjo; "I dey laugh o"

10. Raising up and shaking two clenched fists at the same time. This expresses praise, applause and kudos.

11. Twisting and interlocking the two hands together and intertwining the ten fingers. This signifies appeal or request , petition, imploring.

12. Putting of the right fore finger in the left cheek and proceeding to make a loud noise three times. Signifies swearing that what was said is indeed true. 

13. Biting the tip of your fore finger or the angle of a curved fore finger; Expresses regret.

14. Glaring hard at someone; Shows displeasure and annoyance

15. Using the tip of  a curved fore finger to tap the side of your forehead. Means the person(s) being addressed need their heads examined.

16. Tapping of the middle finger and thumb across the head three times. This means that something will happen only over your dead body. This hand gesture has however acquired one more meaning especially at this "Pentecostal times" to mean "back to sender"

18. Opening your hand wide with the palm showing and all fingers separated at somebody is Yoruba's way of saying "f**k you" or "to h*ll with you". Note that it is not parents that use this particular hand gesture on their children, but it is expected that a child should recognise an insult if he sees one and promptly report to elders.

19.  Add your own.

The Yoruba classify children into two when it comes to the topic under discussion; "omo oju", a child that understands facial expression, and "omo oro",a child that understands only verbal expression, the former is generally preferred to the latter and is also considered to be better brought up and better behaved.

A child that can  decode all these expressions accurately and promptly follow by taking approprate action is on her way to a blissful childhood. 

How many of these gestures are you familiar with?

A brand new parenting style?

We have heard about attachment parenting, helicopter parenting among just a few, but it seems more ways of parenting are being invented by the day. Some parents have come up with the idea that it would make sense to exchange some of their children for cash so as to 'kill one bird with one stone" by 1. Being able to afford more money to spend on the remaining children and 2. Paving way for a better life for the child sold. This was the reason given by a couple that sold their child in China. What do you think?
 http://www.realclear.com/world/2013/10/18/couple_in_china_sell_baby_daughter_for_iphone_3647.html#.UmO07_SHWYU.blogger

Young Chinese couple are facing criminal punishment for "selling" their infant daughter and using the proceeds to buy an Apple iPhone, state media said Friday.

Shanghai prosecutors have brought a case against them for human trafficking after they illegally put their third child up for adoption online and accepted money for the baby, the Liberation Daily reported.

Investigators found the mother, whose full name was not given, used the money to buy an iPhone, high-end sports shoes and other goods, it said.

Apple's products are wildly popular in China, where a teenager sold his kidney and used the funds to buy an iPhone and iPad in an incident widely reported last year.

But the couple told police that they wanted the girl to have a better upbringing than they could afford, since they already had two children.

"Giving away the child was not for obtaining benefits, but giving the child better guarantees," one said.

Some Chinese, especially in rural areas, have a traditional preference for sons though reports did not say if the child's gender was also a factor in the case.

Online commentary condemned the couple, though some used black humour to describe modern Chinese society and the quest for wealth.

"So cold-blooded! These people do not deserve the right to be parents!" said Wangzhan1969 in a microblog posting.

"This is good business -- no capital, huge profit and no need to sell kidneys," said another posting.

An official of the prosecutor's office handling the case expressed worry over "sensationalism" surrounding the affair but declined to comment further to AFP.

Shanghai police could not be reached for comment.

Reports did not give the amount the couple received for the child, but their online postings asked for 30,000 yuan and 50,000 yuan ($4,900 and $8,200).

Apple last month launched the iPhone 5s, including a gold-coloured model, and the more budget-conscious iPhone 5c in China.

Copyright (2013) AFP. All rights reserved

Welcome to the Blog for Every Parent: Parenting In Nigeria

Welcome to the Blog for Every Parent: Parenting In Nigeria: The article below was written by Tolu Ayorinde.   Friends, Let me add the benefit of my time as a student and then resident in th...

Packaging...before you disgrace your child.

I remember attending a course about going back into employment. We were taught among other things; CV writing, how to apply for a job, interview skills, telephone answering skills, how to use office equipments like photocopiers, printers etc. This experience no doubt had a lasting impact on me.

When my children became of school age and I started attending PTA meetings, from my observations, it occurred to me that it would not be out of place to "train"  mothers parents about public comportment especially at fora where they will be representing their children.

One thing I love about Naija and that makes me miss her so much that I can not afford to stay too long outside her shores, is the use of expressions that are very apt and fit perfectly what one has in mind and can not seem to  find words to explain, one word that is  trending now is"Packaging". Packaging in this post implies comportment and appearance of parents at events and occasions such as PTA meetings, school inter house sports, and even daily school runs. Lets go through the following list to see how we can make our children proud of us so that they would, God helping want to "retaliate".

1. For the women, lets start from the inside, get a good bra. This might sound ridiculous, but the effect of a good bra goes a long way, we know you have had children, we understand that what goes up will eventually come down, but at the same time, we would not be portraying a good image if we appear in our children's school with chest all flabby and breasts falling apart inside some imitation of a bra. A good bra does not cost a fortune and gives us the confidence that we need.

2 Save the "shoes and bag to match" and satellite dish headgears for the "owambe" parties that they are meant for and avoid wearing them to your child's school.

 

3.Do not engage in a dressing competition with your child by wearing spaghetti tops, cleavage revealing dresses, bum clutching trousers, skimpy skirts and dresses etcetera. You have had your turn, let them have theirs and please avoid a situation where you might be mistaken for the help. If you must wear such, save them for evening outings.

4. Dads too should dress appropriately and avoid undersized clothing and sagging of their  trousers. It is not this type of dressing that will portray you as a cool dad. Nowadays we can hardly tell the difference between the dads and the drivers.

5.  This point applies to both parents but mums are guiltier, if by chance you get the opportunity to lead prayers, either opening or closing, please keep it short, do not turn what  ought to be a simple prayer into a crusade.

5. Avoid any side talk and incessant telephone conversations during meetings, surely we should be able to suspend  phone calls and other conversations for about an hour or two.

6. Be polite, to the  teachers and to all members of staff, do not wait to be greeted first. It is alright if you initiate greetings and exchange pleasantries, being nice to them makes your child's sojourn in the school more comfortable.

7. Obey all traffic and parking rules, the rules are for the  safety and security of your child.

 8.This one is for all the "Ipad photographers", the parents that come for school events armed with ipads, camcorders, cameras, camera phones and all other sorts of recording devices. They do not bother to look for seats for they have come with the intention not to sit at all but to make sure they record all that takes place even if it means obstructing other peoples view while at it. Please let us respect the feeling of others.

There are so many other situations that are not covered but we can not go wrong if we apply common sense at all times. Let me recount a particular incidence witnessed by me; a mum came for a PTA meeting and brought a dog with her (not a guard dog mind you, it was a chihuahua),  and  after a while, the dog grew restless and started whining and making some disturbing noises . Upon being told that dogs were  not allowed at meetings (as if that was not obvious enough), and that she had to leave the meeting if she insisted on keeping the dog with her, she became very angry and almost brought the meeting to an end with the trouble that ensued. Needless to say, her child was the butt of all jokes in the school for the rest of the term.

Mum is not the word,  decorum and moderation are the words at all times.

And so la la what?

There is this adage (I think Igbo, I am not quite sure) that says, when mother goat is chewing cud, baby goat is watching and will most likely chew exactly the same way. In other words our children will most likely do things the way we do them, say what we say, the way we say them. so we should take pains to mind what we say, the expressions we use etc. if we ban swear words and foul language it can only be effective if we ourselves give it up. So when I have had it  up to here(top of my throat ), instead of saying and so f**king what?, I say and so la la what? and this has become a popular phrase in my household even down to my eight year old, the phrase is used to express indignation, exasperation, all sorts of mood and sometimes just for the fun of it.When children are grown enough to know what "la la" represents, they would have been matured enough to know how to be in charge of their own use of language responsibly.

We know that children can be very infuriating most of the time, so if you are really mad at your children, which is very often,(if mine should be used as yardsticks), instead of using words such as stupid, daft, idiot and asking questions like are you daft,  are you cra*y etc, it is better to just ask the question,"What kind of child is this?". God knows that he is a good child, it is just that he is driving you up the wall at the moment. This question was a question I grew up with and any child that it was used to refer to at the time knew that they had overstepped the boundary set for them. It was capable of having more effect than all those abusive words and questions put together, it would make you feel guilty and remorseful and do a thorough self examination. However as to the question whether it can still be as effective at this modern time, your guess is as good as mine.