Of robust replies and open letters

Parenting? It is not easy especially at these modern times. We have to strike a balance between contradiction, which is the fundamental truth of parenting, we want our children to trust and yet to question. If they trust too much, we become worried and wonder how they will cope in this world of deceit and if they question too much nko? Another wahala, we will become exasperated and wonder the kind of child they are. On my parenting journey, I  find myself in situations where robust replies are required, apologies to Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo ever, unlike Fatoyinbo, I cannot live my constituents hanging, I cannot afford that luxury so I would usually do my best to supply the answer that I think fit, in line with the situation at hand. Lets listen to one of such conversations;

My eight year old, (we will call her T3): Mum?

Me: Yes? ( absentmindedly) 

T3: I thought you said Mr Razak just had a baby?

Pregnant man?

Me: Yes, and so la la what? (becoming curious, thinking Ki ló tun de o? Can't the electrician have a baby any more)

T3: ( getting bolder) I did not see him when he was pregnant.

See me see trouble, everybody burst into laughter. Insanity is indeed hereditary, I mean, you get it from  your children. I had to quickly come up with a robust reply ; 

Me: It was Mr Razak's wife that had the baby not Mr Razak

T3: Then how come the baby now belongs to Mr Razak?

Me: ( Trying to keep a straight face) When a man and a woman are married, it is the woman that will have the baby for the man, and the baby will be for the two of them

T3: (Still confused) Why mummy?

Me: Because that is how God made it.

T3: So Daddy has never been pregnant?

Me: Nope.(heaving a sign of relief thinking the coast was finally clear )

T3: You are the one that has been giving babies to Daddy?

Me: Yes.

T3: So if it is a woman that gives babies, can she give the babies to whoever she wants, like if she does n't want to give their daddy anymore, can she give them to somebody else?             

Me: Nope, she can't 

Eight: But why? 

I know how her mind works, so I know she must have started having ideas about the possibility of changing Daddies if  situation demand such..

So parents, especially fathers, to rule out the possibility of receiving an "open letter" from your children like the one Obasanjo just received from Iyabo, it is up to you. If you know how to shoot without missing which has resulted in that child, you should have all or some of what  it takes to be a good parent, if not a great one.

Iyabo's letter to her father has shown us that a father occupying the most envied position in the country, ie the position of number one citizen of the country is not enough, a child riding effortlessly to the National Assembly  as a member because of who their father is, is not enough either. Yorubas it is that say, the fowl has perched on the rope, the fowl is not comfortable but neither is the rope, Iyabo

Iyabo and her Father.

might be a cursed child, but has it made Obasanjo happier? So when we are done with abusing and reigning curses on Iyabo and using big grammar to describe her action, and letting us know how she has gone against God' s spelt out instruction( the only one with a promise) ; honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long on the surface of the earth Exodus 20:12, we should pick out lessons from the saga and apply them to our own situation and circumstances, no matter how good our relationship with our children might be there will always be room for improvement. The brouhaha that has resulted from Iyabo's letter  made me  realize that there are more parents that deserve such letters but are lucky because their children have refrained from giving them because  of the honour your father and your mother instruction.The time to start making amends however is now. Nobody is indispensable but we can make ourselves valuable.

Consumerism...."panti" and "ripoff"

More and more, kids are being bombarded with messages to consume, millions of money is spent to get children to nag their parents to buy more stuff. Children's programs are filled with adverts to the extent that more time is spent on adverts than on the program being shown. No aspect of family life is left unaffected, there are gadgets to help in virtually all aspects of family life and activities, and these gadgets also claim to save time in the process. The gap between what we need and what we want is ever widening, we don't seem to ever be able to catch up.

As with other things in Nigeria, consumerism is in mega proportions, and events such as children birthday parties have been abused and twisted out of forms. A well known school has had to limit children's birthday celebrations to sharing just the birthday cake and reading a book together and in some schools outright ban has been placed on children's birthday celebrations in the school premises, after some parents  of primary school students developed the habit of organising birthday lunch to be served by a well known and very expensive Chinese restaurant right in the school premises just to mark their child's birthday. What in modern times  is termed "goody bag" or "party pack"

goody bag/party pack

has become a  "weapon of mass destruction" that is used to destroy our children's innocence and happy childhood. Birthday anniversaries that should be looked forward to, have become a source of anguish,  fear and depression, for parents and children alike, the competition has  become very fierce and ridiculous at the same time. It is only in Nigeria that a one year old's birthday anniversary will have up to 500 guests in attendance.

Children's birthday party.

Under aged children are dressed in adult clothing,wear adult hairstyles and are armed with the latest and most sophisticated communication gadgets like mobile phones, tablets etc.There are  gadgets that are supposed to help children study, help them memorise, apps to keep them company for example,'talking Tom' and 'talking Angela', ( by the way talking Angela almost replaced me in my daughters life within a period of just a week when she was on midterm break, now you understand why I am very jealous and wary of it).

Talking Angela

There are game consoles that not only lead to addiction but also erode the child's interpersonal skills like having normal conversation with people in real life.

You are a parent and find yourself trying to bring up a good child under these circumstances, no doubt you will be met with serious resistance by your child and society. What can you do?

1. Set a  good example. Start with yourself. Be sure that you can afford and sustain your life style. If you love to keep up with your neighbours, always chasing after the latest craze  the latest fashion or fads, whether you  can afford it or not, then you need to have your head self examined.

2. Do a self evaluation. Go home, take a second look and evaluate what you have, in a gentle manner carry your child along. Do you really need replacements for those things you already have?

3. Before you buy anything, make a window shopping trip, think thrice , go home think again, then have a second trip, if you are convinced you still need it, then and only then should you go ahead.

4. Consider cheaper alternatives, if you really must buy and it will serve the same purpose, please go for that.

5. This point is based on the premise that you are friends with your child, over time, jokingly but lovingly help her to deflate her "cravings"  for stuffs. The  term that we use in my family is "PANTI" panti means rubbish or something that is not only useless but will end up taking up much needed space. My children have been trained to admire the coolest of gadgets and walk away without any longing because they are sure it is "Panti" . Before, they used to say "mummy will say it is panti, but now they themselves can identify panti without any outside help, and are so sure and convinced within themselves to the extent that they will say it is "Panti", without prefixing it with "mummy will say".

6. You can also have a "heart to heart" talk with your child,  any time a particular item wants to come in between you and her. Ask her if she honestly thinks your family can not afford whatever is the bone of contention at that particular time, the answer will most likely be in the affirmative (i e we can afford it) follow the first question with the second, that why does she think we will not be buying, it will now dawn on her that it is a "rip off", (this is another term of ours), this means although, it might have some value, it is unnecessarily too expensive.  A good example is the foreign trips schools organise in Nigeria ; these trips cost an arm and a leg. The cost that is usually charged for a child is equivalent to the cost for a family of four on the same type of trip. My children understand that such trips are ripoffs so they do not  hunger for them. 

7. Finally think along the long term line, will this particular purchase make any noticeable difference in your life in the long term?

Now to my question; How are you coping with consumerism?

My Dad, a father of many nations

23rd November 2013 was the day we had the final burial ceremony in honour of my father. He departed this world in June 2003. I was out of the country then, he was buried immediately. But since then we had always had an annual memorial prayer and get together in his honour. The 23rd November event was the grand finale. At the venue of the party,  I looked around me and went down memory lane. I could not help missing him.

My dad, he was different things to different people. To my mum, he was a brother, (she even used to call him 'broda' before they started having children, she could not call him by name) he was a mentor, a dependable ally in business and out of it. He brought her to Lagos although there is this joke that my mum had gone home and come back all by herself, so he was not the one who brought her. He was proud of her and not envious or intimitdated by her business prowess. He was her soulmate despite all the other wives. He was the love of her life.

My mum and dad in Mecca, 1975

I remember that one day when I was very angry at my dad, I asked mum why she married him, was it because there were no other suitors or what? My dad instead of getting angry, burst into laughter and recounted how he beat all other contenders for my mum's hand in marriage including the richest man in our community then, who already had a fleet of cars at that ime, how he won my mum's heart with a bike, and how a song was waxed by the current and most popular musician in their community then to sing his praise for that feat, they both got up and sang the song, dancing, my mum, shyly and blushing, as if she was an innocent bride( she was in her 60s then) and my dad with his eyes gleaming with pride.

Dad and Mum at Mum's house warming ceremony in 1983

He was a very stern and loving man at the same time, he was a disciplinarian but he would still feed us (about four of us aged between 4and 8)from his dish of delicacies (orisirisi) as we surround his table at meal times despite the fact that we had had our individual meals. He had a habit of always going about with brand new coins in his pocket which he would give children including us. He was my mentor, I copied him, watched what he did or rather how he did what he did and got results and put it in practice and got result too. He was fearless, he was a go-getter, he never gave up on any of his goals, he would not accept no for an answer and he did not believe there was anything that was impossible. He was an hardworking and shrewd business man. He was one of the best networkers of his time, he had his own 'oyinbos' expatriates from companies like CFAO, Mandillas, John Holt etc. They would do business together during the day and party together in the evening.

He was a good and generous son to his parents, his parents gave him the nickname,'Okan soso  kiri to  san  ju Igba omo ló' meaning a good son that is worth more  than 200 children pulled together., it was not just a pet name, he earned it. He was a loving and accommodating brother to his siblings both full and half. One of the first businesses he registered was registered in 'his name and Bros' not '...and Co' nor ....'and Sons' unlike the trend then. With all the people he met on his journey through life, it was 'live and let live' he believed that the sky was wide enough for all birds to fly without disturbing one another.

He was an extrovert, very outgoing, eager to meet new people and to make friends. There was no dull moment with him. He was a lover of sports especially wrestling and boxing. He was suspended from watching football by his doctor at one particular time because of his high blood pressure condition, because whatever he did, he did with all his might, he would play football right there in his living room whilst watching it. His handshake was very gripping, you had to be sure of yourself before shaking hands with him.

He was our father, 18 surviving children out of 22, he loved all of us together and individually for all the different traits that we have, the resemblance among us is striking even across different mothers, you would find a daughter looking more like her half sister more than her full sister. Outsiders could not really tell who our mothers were, they used to just call us by our surname. An old friend of my dad came visiting one day and met me, he asked my dad, sé omo pupa yen ló bi eleyi fun e? Meaning was it that fair girl that had this child for you? It was funny, because my mum was in her 70s then and I was in my late 20s and she was still being referred to as 'omo pupa'.

He was handsome, dashing, fashionable and clean, he had another nickname 'all white' because he made popular the wearing of native white lace attire. He was a fashion pace setter then and would also wear other nice colours and was one of the first to pioneer the wearing of 'to match' that we call monochrome nowadays.

Growing up especially after my first degree was very stormy because we had divergent opinions about the kind of friends I should keep and the kind of man I should bring home as husband material. At one point I stopped talking to him except the compulsory greetings like 'e e kaaro sir, e e kule sir, e e Kabo sir' etc. And  I missed him, I missed the jokes, the gist, on his own part he could not bear it, he would come into my room and say ' e e so' meaning hello, how are you? how are you doing in Ijebu and I would be happy and we would resume talking until another wahala cropped up.

He was a prayer warrior, he would pray from night till daybreak and continue even farther if need be especially on issues that had to do with his children. He started laying hands before Pentecostal pastors learnt the act.if I had some pains, he would pray and lay his hands on that spot and keep vigil with me till the pain would subside or till I slept off.

He was a polygamist but would not want any of his children to go that way. I remember that there was a guy pestering me and was already worming his way into my Father's heart, I just told my dad that he was married (although he was not) and my dad got very angry and asked him if he wanted to make me ' a spare tyre' or what? He did not believe in 'do or  die' marriage especially when it involved violence and always made us know we were welcome home if situation demanded it. He was therefore not one to loose a child to domestic violence except if he was kept in the dark about it.

He was a morally upright man and so not the type to go behind anybody's back to have a child outside wedlock or in secret, so since he died, we have not experienced any nasty surprise. He was not the type that would date female employees or female tenants,impregnate his wives' relatives, or fondle his wives' house helps ( this was a common occurrence in his time, house helps we're being upgraded into wives on a per dozen basis). Neither would he date his friends daughter, his daughters' friends etc. There were real life situations that happened and he did not disappoint me. 

We had a good rapport that defied the generation gap between us. I remember one time when one of our  neighbours who must have been in his late 70s then felt he was in love with me and proceeded to put it in writing to prove it, when I showed my Dad the letters he was very livid and said he was going to warn him. I told him not to, that there were other more humiliating ways to make him stop, so we then hatched our plans. Usually we would seat on our balcony in the evening and the neighbours would sit on theirs just across fom us. As soon as they are seated, I would bring out one of the letters and start reading it out loud, the neighbour would jump up and run indoors to the surprise of his wife and children, my dad and I would laugh till tears streamed down our faces. We succeeded in keeping him indoors for over a month till something else happened that we could joke about.

My dad, was not a burden, both financially and emotionally. Even at old age, when his outing was drastically reduced to about once a week, he still had a live-in driver. He also had a houseboy and so was not at the mercy of any of his wives( my mum not included because she had since withdrawn form domestic duties with the advent of the younger wives). He spent his money on good medical care, good diet and on his  general well being.

He set a standard that was almost impossible to beat for any suitor( until my husband came into my life or was I the one that came into his life?, by the way my husband is the new 'okan soso kiri' after my dad although he does not know it yet), and he would usually advise me to lower my expectations a little bit. He took my husband as his son, taught him how to shave with only water and razor and not grow bumps. For both of them, it was love at first sight. They both got on like a house on fire.

He was a lover of music and would spend any amount on a gramophone. His taste also shaped my preference in music.Popular musicians of his time like Haruna Ishola, Yusuf Olatunji, Lefty Salami, King Sunny Ade, Ebenezer Obey were all his favourites and I could sing all their songs back to back. My Dad, he was a great event planner, the perfect host at parties, he would not spare any expenses when having a party. When we had the burial party for his parents, it was Haruna Ishola that performed. So I know that he would not expect any less from us his children for his own burial party.

I looked around me and felt proud of myself, the opulence and splendor of the venue

, the array and variety of food on the menu, the buttomless supply of choice drinks, the calibre and the turn out of gorgeously dressed guests, the colorful Aso ebi, the performance of the musician all combined made the party a huge success to be talked about for a long time to come.

As we wound up the party,  I could not help musing and chuckling; from my father's  loins have emanated Nigerian citizens, British, Irish, German, American, Benin Republic, Cote D'ivoire. He was indeed a father of many nations.