If I were Patience Jonathan

Our First Lady at the beginning, is it a case of packaging gone wrong? Cant help wondering when I compare the 'before' pictures with the after.Source

Try as I have, I have found it impossible to claim not to be aware of what is trending in Nigeria right now and even at the global level, no thanks to Boko Haram's abduction of 276 innocent Nigerian girls,

From right, Naijamum, T3 and Naijadad on the way to T3's school, not taking any chances.... LOL Just kidding, but seriously parents should stop at nothing to #keep our girls.  Image source: unknown, found on Facebook.  

social media like Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc and efforts of rumour peddlers and the haters(?) of our first lady, Dame Patience Jonathan. Whether we like it or not, the first lady has finally secured for herself, a well deserved notoriety as someone who is incapable of stringing together a single sentence that is not a comical ridicule of the English language and instead of any noticeable improvement, things seem to be getting worse. The issue did not however garner enough interest in me to warrant writing a post on it until I stumbled upon a post on the same subject that appears to be in support of the first lady massacring of the English language.Contrary to the opinion expressed on the blog, I disagree with the fact that our first lady does not need to polish herself , does not need to improve her proficiency in the English language which is by the way Nigeria's lingua franca.

Na only First Lady waka come? One of the before pictures, on her birthday celebrated in Australia. Source.

People seem to confuse ability to speak good English with speaking in foreign accents whether British, American, Jamaican, etc nobody expects the first lady to adopt any foreign accent or a combination of any. If we are opportune to listen to any recorded address or life address of the Queen of England, you would observe that she speaks good English devoid of any accent, that is the kind of English the likes of the late Bola Ige spoke,  it is the type that I try to speak if I am not in a rush. Is n't the first lady supposed to be a role model to the Nigerian girls? I certainly would not want my children speak like that (after getting a first degree that is, I might pardon them if they have not gotten the opportunity to get an education).

I believe in packaging, total packaging, I also belong to the school of thought that says image is everything. Yoruba it is that have the saying that whiteness of teeth is an aspect of beauty, everything adds up. The fact that Patience Jonathan is first lady to over 170 million Nigerians and that only a tiny percent of them speak good English(according to the post) is not an excuse, those who do not speak good English look up to her as first lady, they want to emulate her so I am sure they would not want  her to perpetuate what they have already, they want something better. 

The fact that she has difficulty in speaking good English also calls to question her claim that she has a first degree in Biology and Psychology and that she was the best student in Her husband's class. And not only that,that she was also a high school teacher for years. English still remains our lingua franca, and as far as we know there is no law stipulating that any local language be used as a medium of teaching in any school in Nigeria, so how did she get her degree? What language did she teach her students in? If our children should pass through the likes of Patience Jonathan as a teacher, would it not be the height of hypocrisy for us to expect them to pass O level English ? And we should not forget that a credit in English is one of the requirements for admission into institutions of higher learning in our country. Little wonder that  WAEC certification is not acceptable as entry qualification into institutions of higher learning outside Nigeria; except IGCSE, TOEFL etc. Coupled with the fact that our first degree certificate is not worth the paper on which it is written on outside the shores of our country and we all know that the world is now a global village, so we cannot live in isolation as we did under Abacha.  Right now, I am ashamed that I am a Nigerian, and I am sure the feeling is not peculiar to me. The only people that could have gotten away with the kind of English she speaks are people like my aged mother that did not see the four walls of any type of school, ( my mother would say the English she was speaking was free, After all she did not spend any money to learn it).

 Lets do a little comparison, what is the content of Michelle Obama's speeches, it certainly is not rocket science and as I always say, it takes very little to become a star in this country, look at Fashola in government, look at GT Bank in financial institutions ,look at Channels TV in News casting,  look at Saka in theatre, look at Don Jazzy in ..... what  now? Does he sing or what ?

Anyway if I were the first lady, rather than saying I want to ep  help people and summoning all Military chiefs, Police, Naval and Air force, and  WAYEK   W.A.E.C. officers and two tishas, teachers and rather than asking 'how many people waka come' I would do the following: 

1. With all the cash and paraphernalia of State backing me up, I would get a trainer and loose some  weight, not to the point of being 'lepa' if you get what I mean but to the point of  being healthy enough to be more visible through making more necessary public appearances. I will also learn how to eat healthy so that I would not singularly exhaust the Nigerians' share of miracles from God by having to make God to bring me back to life over and over again. When you look good, you feel good and is n't  it a good thing to look good for we 'your children' and  father of our Nation, your husband?

An 'after' picture, at the 'There is God o' Press Conference'Source

2. I would do everything possible to improve on my command of the English language seeing that it is our lingua franca , not pidgin English. That should  not be too difficult Afterall if somebody like Salawa Abeni, an illiterate Waka musician could do it, it means it is possible.

3. I would do my best to comport myself in public as befits my office as a first lady, so I would do my best to stop myself from swaying from side to side when talking nor holding my head in my hands at a televised press conference especially on matters that I have allowed to fester for over three weeks unattended.

4.I would do my best to help bring back my husband's credibility

'The Father of our nation', President Goodluck Jonathan Source

by performing my role as the mother of the nation through show of compassion to all Nigerians, regardless of our nationality, oops sorry about that, ain't we supposed to have the same nationality? this Patience Jonathan's English can be contagious, by sharing in their bereavement, creating a positive impact on my children's (all Nigerians)lives be they Christians or Muslims, male or female, adults or children, PDP or ACN, Hausa, Ibo, Yoruba and other ethnic groups.

5.  Or best of all, I will take a cue from my predecessor and  forever keep quite in public and work in the background in support of my husband.

So help me God.

Helping women. Really?

Who would not want to help women such as these, pregnant, nursing a baby and still having to work hard

I have not blogged in a while, I have been preoccupied with so much happening in my life, many distractions good and not so good or should I say 'disguised good' ? Anyways let's move on. I have always believed in contributing my own share to help humanity and one of the ways I've always felt I can help is to help women anyway I can, maybe because I am a woman myself, or because women are disadvantaged compared to men so they need all the help they can get, or because when the chips are down, they can't pick their shirts (or is it blouse or buba?) and move on, they are stuck with the kids come rain, come shine. And most importantly maybe because all the traditionally known vocation, skills  and means of livelihood for women are being eroded and taken over by men. For example, can you imagine a man being a professional alaga for wedding and engagement ceremonies?

Male alaga iduro? I hope men will not start strapping babies on their backs in the name of claiming equal rights with women.

rolling their eyes, their asses derrière and kneeling down for the bride's or bridegroom's family as the case maybe? Some men now sell pepper,

Selling pepper without all seriousness, na wah o.

fruits and vegetables even in nieghbourhoods, set up hair dressing salons for themselves, not their wives, I even saw one man a couple of days ago, hawking hairdressing services and loosing braids for a woman in Balogun market on Lagos Island, (signs of end times if you ask me) So whatever happened to traditional male roles like providing for the family, saw milling, bricklaying and other more 'masculine vocations'?

So if I need to make any purchase, get any services, I would rather patronize a woman even if it will waste my time, efforts or money, I get joy and fulfillment knowing that I have helped a family one way or the other.

Man in the background, crane your neck as much as you like, we won't be buying from you okay?

From experience however I have realized that women can also be as fraudulent, if not worse than men, being dubious and fraudulent has not got anything to do with your gender or even race. So where exactly am I going? If like me, you prefer to help women you can still continue but be careful, 'shine your eyes' as my people will say. 

Being a typical Nigerian, I sometimes do some shopping in the traffic, there was this particular young lady that I used to buy bread

Hawking bread on the streets of Lagos. Buying stuff in traffic, I was thought a lesson or two.

from mainly because being a woman she was not able to run as fast as her male counterparts and so would not be able to make as much sales. One day after my purchase, I gave her money but instead of giving me my change, she tried to make away with my change. I had to quickly park my car and run after her in order to collect my change back, not because the change was that much, but because I have this thing about collecting change back (read it here) and also because I was amazed at her effrontery, you see I thought we had built a relationship and that I was her good customer.

On another occasion, this time there was no trading transaction. It was pure help. I met a Nigerian lady at one of the airports in Europe, she was with a little child. She was pleading with the airline staff and crying like a baby because she had missed her flight, imagine sweating profusely during winter with serious body odour. I came to her rescue if only to stop the odour  from oozing out of her  body stop the child from crying because she had started to join her mother. I bought another ticket for her with the understanding that she would pay back when she got to her destination.she even offered to drop her phone or her child's buggy  as collateral but I declined. Ten years later she is yet to pay back and she stopped picking my calls.

Mumu Naijamum, giving a loan to a stranger without collecting a collateral

On my trip to China, now this particular one convinced me that it has not got anything to do with your race. I visited one of the open markets in the company of a Chinese friend of mine. I bought a calculator from one of the market women, after so much translation and hand gesticulations, I paid and we left but I forgot the calculator behind. About some 30 minutes later I remembered and we quickly made a u-turn. The look on her face said it all, she knew we left it behind but she deliberately did not alert us or call us back. Thank God that she did not insist that she had given it to us or I would have had to purchase another one.

Even the 'keke Marwas' and 'okadas that I took were driven by women from Naija to China. 

A friend of mine went through this horrendous  experience, like me she liked helping her womenfolk anyway she could, she used the services of a female alabaru

Beware of female alabarus, they can steal  carry anything.

to help her carry the ceiling fans that she purchased with her six months savings,while they were both trying to cross the road, the alabaru was a bit slower becuase of her age, so my friend crossed ahead of the alabaru. We are still searching for the alabaru till date! she must have used 'egbe' or 'àféèrí' or both, because she literally just disappeared into thin air.

Friends have also shared what they went through after giving women rides especially if they are with little children or are carrying a baby, when such women get to their destination and alight, they take their helpers' personal belongings with them.

The incidence that triggered this post took place just yesterday, 1st of May 2014. My children and I went for a wedding. It was an outdoor thing and a bit rowdy

An outdoor party and very rowdy. T3 looking at her plate of rice and T2 looking so miserable I had to beg her to smile a little.

there were many photographers struggling to make money from a few snapshots( we all know that camera phones and tablets have 'spoilt market' for them). I beckoned on a middle aged female photographer, gave her sone money and bought some photos of the bride and groom off her and also told her to snap us some shots. The bride and groom

where making their grand entrance so I told her to please snap us some with the couple.

See what she snapped, mschew,T3 my nine year old would have done a better job, the 'smart' photograher was busy mentally planning an escape route.

Bridal train without faces, courtesy of the 'smart' woman photographer

I noticed that she was reversing with an unnecessarily so much speed while still looking at us and snapping, ( or as we later found out, pretending to snap) by the time I finished exchanging pleasantries with the couple she had almost disappeared with my phone. I had to apply my Naija sense and whiz in and out of the typical Naija wedding crowd, dodging steaming hot plates of jollof rice, fried rice and what have you, encumbered with my sunglasses,

Sunglasses and everything, how did I catch up with her in this ensemble? She did not know I was a Lagos girl before I became Naijamum. 

gele, iro and delicate jewelry and the muddy floor ( thank God for small mercies, the iro was tied at the back but if it were n't I would have abandoned it or held it in my hands). Struggling  with my high heels. I finally caught up with her, panting and out of breath. The look on her face when I caught up? defiant guilt, maybe she thought I was going to make a scene. Scene ko, scene ni, I was so relieved to get my phone back that I left the change for her. And quickly made my way to where my children were before some other disguised hoodlums will remove their hats,

Remoove their hats and even the delicate doughnut atop T2's head? No way, I had to quickly sprint back

collect their tablets and phones on the pretext that they were trying to help them snap pictures( T1, always afraid of germs would not even let a stranger touch any of her stuff).

T1, would not have handed over her phone to anybody any stranger

Thank God, they were safe when I got back.

Do you think this experience will stop me from practising compassion in the future? No, certainly not,  I will just be more careful by for example; collecting my change upfront before making any payment; or collecting anything of value as collateral if I need to give an  impromptu loan and shining my eyes more and applying  more caution. What about you, what will you do?